Frederick M. Hueston, PhD

I just love engineers who think they know everything about stone installations. Now, I don’t need any emails from engineers because I consider myself a stone forensic engineer, but I get a big laugh every time I am up against an engineer in court. The following example is a recent court case where I encountered a misinformed engineer.

I hopped in the ole Woody and headed over to the courthouse to testify as an expert in a stone floor installation case. I was hired by the homeowner to inspect an installation that was hollow and loose. Without going into the inspection process, in a nutshell, the installation had totally debonded. Tiles were popping off the floor as if they were just set in sand. 

The installer hired an engineering firm to do an inspection and their conclusion was the floor was set within industry standards since there was 100 percent coverage on the back of the tile. This was going to be interesting. I couldn’t wait to hear what they were going to say on the stand. 

I arrived at the courthouse and began my search for courtroom D.

As I approached the long hallway where all the courtrooms were, the attorney and homeowner that hired me were standing about 20 yards away. The homeowner (who was a medical doctor) looked nervous. He was shaking like he had a bad case of Parkinson’s disease. I didn’t know what kind of doctor he was, but I sure hoped he wasn’t a surgeon. I smiled and said I was ready to testify. The Doc looked at me and said, “I sure hope we win.” I tried to display some confidence in him by telling him that I would do my best.

The trial was about to start. I was asked to sit in the back and wait until I was called to the stand. The installer’s attorney called their expert. Their expert approached the stand and –  I kid you not – he looked like Bill Nye “The Science Guy,” with glasses. He was sworn in and the questioning began. 

They asked him all the standard questions about his qualifications, etc. Then they got to the main question. 

“(Mr. Expert), why is this installation within industry standards?” He went into a long science explanation, using every technical word he could find. I think I even heard him use the word “flux capacitor” (lol!). The jury looked like a herd of deer caught in the headlights. They had no idea what he was saying. Simply put, he was saying that the installation was within industry standards due to the fact that the stone had 100 percent coverage. 

Now it was my turn. I was sworn in and also asked all the standard questions, and then I was asked why I thought the installation failed. I told the jury that the installation failed due to the fact that the tiles were not bonded properly. In other words, I said, it was if they were lying on sand and nothing was gluing them down. I know gluing is not the proper industry term but you have to realize that the jury members are not in our business, so I had to use terms they could understand. I went on to say that the tangent adjacent to the flux capacitor was not properly calibrated to the hypotenuses of the substrate (just kidding). I concluded that the installation had failed due to the fact that the installer did not use the proper setting mortar. 

Now it was the other side’s turn. The installer attorney reminded me of Perry Mason (now I’m revealing my age). He asked me if there was 100 percent coverage on the back of the tile. I said yes. He then raised his voice, yelled at me in a condescending tone, “So, Mr. Stone Detective– if the installation has 100 percent coverage than the installation is within industry standards. Isn’t it?” He said “Isn’t It” several times. I looked at the jury and said, “No, that is not correct.”

He next asked me if the standards call for 100 percent coverage and I replied, “Yes, but that’s over simplifying, and it needs further explanation.” He asked me to just answer the question “yes or no.”

I looked at the judge and said, “Your Honor, I can’t answer that question with a yes or no. Would you like me to explain?” This is a great trick that I have used a lot. No judge is going to say, “NO, I don’t want you to explain.” I kind of felt like Marisa Tomei in the movie My Cousin Vinny, when she said “No, there’s more…” on the witness stand. 

Getting the “go ahead” nod from the judge, I explained that coverage and bonding are not necessarily related. I told them I could set a piece of stone in a bed of sand. It would have 100 percent coverage but no bond. I also said I could set the stone with a quarter size dot of epoxy and I would have a good bond and hardly any coverage. 

As simple as that, I was done, and the jury looked convinced. Later that day I found out that the jury believed me and awarded the good Doc the money for a new floor. Another case solved– and another know-it-all engineer bites the dust.

The Stone Detective is a fictional character created by Fred Hueston, written to be entertaining and educational. He has written over 33 books on stone and tile installations, fabrication and restoration and also serves as an expert for many legal cases across the world. You can send any email comments to him at fhueston@stoneforensics.com.